Mourning Guidelines

Rabbi Dr. Jana L. De Benedett
I recently buried a congregant. A short time later I was speaking with his relative, and she said that she felt that grief is like a blanket. At first, you wrap it around yourself, covering your head, keeping everything else out. Eventually, you feel like you can leave the house, but you keep the “blanket” wrapped around your shoulders. At some point you realize that sometimes you feel like you can leave the blanket at home when you go out – but you know it will be there when you get back.
This isn’t to imply that grief is a source of comfort, but rather that for many people it envelops them, and slowly fades to a point that they can participate again in life activities. For some, it will never fully go away, however for everyone, it changes over time.
That is what our tradition teaches about mourning as well. We don’t have guidelines about grief, but the stages of mourning help us move slowly back into life. Also, at a time when we feel depleted from our loss, the traditions provide us with steps to take that we don’t have to think about. We don’t have to decide what to do next.
Ideally, we also don’t get left alone for too long. Returning to life includes having a support system. These traditions help with that in many ways. People around you, often telling wonderful stories about what they remember of your loved one – often happy stories that help you remember how to laugh.
Many people do not use these guidelines to help them with their mourning. I believe it makes the process of returning to life more difficult.